So, I left the job from hell (I’ll explain why later), and I have been in my new job for about two weeks. I am being sent on a training day (oh joy) next Monday and I am already dreading it. For those reading this who also stammer, you may understand why.
Training courses mean that at the start you have to introduce yourself 😦 and explain where you work and what your role is. This does not bode well for me. Mainly, because I struggle to say my name when I am in those situations.
There are many kinds of stammering, the sssssssssstammering, the ‘pause whilst I try to get the word out’ kinda stammer and the various other kinds of stammer that’s out there. I am a secret stammerer. Not so secret that no one knows and I can just get on with my life as if nothing matters, but the kind of secret stammerer who is so scared of people knowing the truth that I try to hide it at all times. I am also the ‘pause whilst I try to get the word out’ kind of stammerer. Even calling myself a stammerer makes me upset because I feel that I am failing as a person. After all, what kind of person can’t say what they are thinking.
Yes you have probably guessed it, this is not the blog for you if you want to feel better about your stammer. I am going to be brutally honest about how this makes me feel and some days that won’t be pretty!
Anyway, more of my secret stammering later. Back to the job and training. My previous job (that I did for 7 years) was responding to complaints in writing. Wahooo, in WRITING, no phone calls! That made me very happy. They then decided last year to make loads of teams redundant (noooooooooooooo) and that included my team. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed my job, but I could do it with my eyes closed and my manager was an absolute arsehole (more of that later too).
So I started applying for jobs before I was even being made redundant as I wanted to challenge myself. However, it’s very hard to find jobs that do not involve making or taking phone calls. Did I mention that I have a fear of phones? Yes, I hate them. People cannot see you so when I paused to try and get my words out, all they’d say is ‘hello, are you still there?’ YESSS my mind was screaming, but nothing would come out. I also had bad experiences with companies who thought I was lying about who I was as I couldn’t say my name properly, or it took me too long to say it. I’d make a terrible fraudster, I really would.
So, I want a career but can’t do any jobs that involve phones. This leaves me limited in what I can do. An internal job then came up and I applied for it and got it. This was a task in itself. I hadn’t had an interview in years and interviews are all about you speaking! I thought I’d do what I rarely do, and that’s tell someone I have a stammer.
Most of the time, I get the reaction of ‘No Way! I never knew’. YESSS I think, I have hidden this well. High five to me. Occasionally, someone will say ‘yeah I kinda knew’. This is a massive blow. How could I let this happen? I thought I was doing so well. Anyway, this person had no idea and I felt a slight feeling of relief. The interview was ok, I stammered more than what I would have if I hadn’t told the interviewee about my issue. I put it down to not using as many fillers, probably due to the fact I felt I didn’t need to as she knew about the issue.
To cut the story short, I got the job and it doesn’t really involve phones, just a lot of face to face speaking. I’m ok with that so far, we shall see. But now, NOW I have to go on a stupid training course to make me better at my job. Do I REAAAAALLY need training, I’m sure I’ll be great without it. I can’t actually get out of it, they have paid for it already. Ooops.
So in precisely 8 days, I will have to attend a 2 day training course. This leaves me precisely 8 days to cure my stammer. That’s enough time right? It’s definitely curable right? Wrong.
I’m sorry, I’ve just realised I have been rambling on, I shall try to keep the other blog posts shorter